Beyond Price

I was overwhelmed by fatigue, physically, mentally, and emotionally. After SYF, I just could not remove myself from my beloved bed. Luckily, I had managed to suspend or cancel some of my lessons. Tears rolled down my individual students’ cheeks when I forced them to rest for 3 weeks, and many thanks to LH for standing-in a few sessions to conduct the practices for my primary schools during my absence. I know that this is not fair to them but I know that if I do not devote myself to NY and NJC this SYF, I will live with regrets.

True enough, when they finished their playing at SCH, I am at peace with myself, contended and happy. They had finally understood the true meaning of music and art; performed their music with passion, emotions, depth, precision, and concentration; to them the award is secondary, they were pleased with their own performance; learned from their mistakes, forgave their teammates’ unintended blunder; matured, showing true sportsmanship, thinking and behaving like musicians.

GOD is kind. Both schools were awarded Gold with Honours. Their efforts were recognized and appreciated. Their performance had proven them worthy of their award. Before SYF, my greatest nightmare is not about them playing horribly, but for them receiving an award that they do not deserve. Even if they had played terribly that day, I will always be proud of them.

用心

对Blogging 的兴趣产生在去年的这个时期。就因为CCAB 会议中LYF的一句话，让我觉得我必须更深入地了解学生们的心理。学校提供的课外活动时间往往不足，只能用来解决演奏上的部分问题；心理方面的问题，实在是顾不上。

大学时代，我最不能忍受的是主科(古筝)老师严密的监管。他始终坚信全方面地培育学生、强调心理素质的栽培。因此连哪位同学进过我的琴房和我谈了多长他都一清二楚，甚至比我的父亲更严厉、比我更了解我自己。我何尝不了解他。所以，就算厌烦也不敢多吭一声。只是我对老师的了解方式和他不太相同。在艺术方面，我努力地达到他的要求，往往比他预期的效果还好；在生活方面，我也很用心。后来，我比他还清楚他们家东西的摆放。最后，他还没开口我已经知道他要讲什么。

其实，我从小就异常认真地听课，更妙的是有选择性的听我需要的东西。好奇心不强的我，对老师们的私生活没多大兴趣，从不八卦也不去记。除了对课程的重点特别敏感外，我还清楚知道老师喜欢什么样的题型与答题方式。当然，我的预知能力也超强，测中测验题/考试题的概率奇高。所以，不用花太多时间就可以考取不错的成绩。

两年前的现在我很累。那时有三间学校参加SYF。今年我只剩两间学校参加SYF，但是我却更加疲惫。了解的背后是更多的耕耘，付出的时间、心力自然多。当然，我不可能完全了解每一位学生并解决所有的问题。但是，我已经很努力了。只是，同学们又有多了解我呢？指挥棒落下的刹那间，你们真的知道我要是什么吗？

Making the BEST out of the WORST

There is always too much things to do and to think about. Nowadays, I would not have time to sit down and enjoy any television drama nor have enough sleep. But, I do occasionally catch a glimpse or two while keeping my mother company.

The last time I saw something was a scene in Miracles on Channel 8. A doctor was helping an emotional mother of two daughters to see things from a different perspective. A mother of many children would always think of saving her weakest child in times of danger. When, however, the weakest child has no chance of recovery, should the mother only think of her dying child and not try to save her other child. Killing the dying child in the surgery may be cruel and unbearable, but that was the only way to give her other child an opportunity to live.

I was reminded of the days when I am forced to extract my wisdom tooth. I had four and I just could not bear to part with them. But, according to the doctor, due to the limited amount of space left in my mouth, I will continuously suffer from toothaches. Furthermore, it can never grow out of the gums. Not matter how hard I tried to keep them, they are all gone now.

For most working adults, they only work in a company and a boss to please. As a freelance music instructor, I cannot survive if I had only a boss. Therefore, I have many which could explain why I am so busy. Another reason is my bosses always think that they are my only employer. Honestly speaking, I had limited myself services to as few as possible to produce quality products. Unfortunately, not all my production lines are functioning well. If I cannot fix the problem, it is always best to terminate the problematic ones so that they will not hinder the others; a wise solution but a painful choice. I should be fair to the rest, right?

我不是垃圾

LZ老师每次都说我笨，哪有学生学不会，老师躲在被窝里哭的。自然是责骂学生，只有学生哭，哪能让学生委屈老师。但是，我命贱，学不会的拚了老命也要教会。所以，活该受气。最要命的，有些连做人都不会的，还要学琴；不只要学琴，还什么都要；困难还没有克服，就去找麻烦；做了很多的事，就是和应该奏的乐曲沾不上边；想了很多，就是没想如何去弹奏、如何使手指的运动弹奏出所追求的音响效果；最可耻的是，早已忘却了音乐是声音的艺术。

其实也没什么必要去委屈自己，更不必浪费宝贵的时间与泪水在一群散漫、不求上进、无药可救的音乐白痴身上。以前我总觉得做兼职不稳定。近日才发觉兼职的好处，可以随时辞职，也可以失踪，就是不出现，谁也奈何不了我。

每次学生SYF的乐曲都是自己编的。连人都不会做的恐怕是奏不好了，还不如及早使用编曲权禁止他们演奏，以免公众以为编作者是垃圾。

I don’t want to be Humpty Dumpty

Since young, I fall down easily. I have difficulties in balancing myself; to make things worst, my low blood pressure never fails to create a dizzy spell. It is common for me to have one or two fall every month at any time or place. The latest one was outside NJC during the March holidays.

I just cannot help falling down. It is my disease to fight. Facing the fall is my challenge. I do not know when it will happen again. But, I do make sure that it will not happen at the same place. I will not change my route to avoid the place. Instead, I will take a good look at the spot where I have fallen, analysis the geographical environment, and take extra care every time I walk pass there to keep myself in one piece.

Maybe this is why I hate running.

ps: A 卤蛋 will be awarded to each student who understand the moral of this post and practice it.

感动以后

GZ PLEDGE!!
We, the gz freaks of N-Y-G-Z,
pledge ourselves as loyal,devoted gz fans.
Regardless of batch, group, or committee,
to build a bonded ensemble,
based on yin1 zhun3, gan3 qing2, and qi2-ness
so as to achieve gold with honours, applause and HARMONY!!!
GO NYGZ !!

- Written by:
The Rs ((:

Two of my sec 2 girls posted this on their team-blog on 28th March 2007. Majority of the rest felt that it is cute; tong suggested reciting the pledge after greeting me; zp applauded the idea and added that “Singapore create national identity, we create CCA identity.”

I was very touched when I first saw it. My girls are more diligence, discipline and motivated than I had ever hoped for. Each is giving her best to the team, making a difference in each practice, and slowly overcoming our obstacles.

I wish I could like this pledge. I love their “based on yin1 zhun3, gan3 qing2, and qi2-ness”. However, will these elements be enough? What other fundamentals of music are required?

I admire their courage and their determination to succeed. However, should Gold with Honours be our ultimate goal? Should we play guzheng just for an award or for the Art? Why are we doing all these? At the end of the day, where will “We” be after SYF?

Forever my STARS

You are the STARS on 24th March 2007.

曾经，这只是几个人的梦想，不知何时变成了我们的理想。
为了这一天，我们努力。
辛酸与欢笑伴随着我们。
终于完成了......

今年初，一位同事告诉我她不舍得骂她的级任班，我一脸惊讶。
接下来的短短几个月里，你们让我明白了心疼的道理。
不到万不得已，我实在不原意责备你们。
因为，过后我会很难过。

Thank you so much for realizing our dreams.
We have a difficult month ahead.
Let's continue to work harder for our goal.

Nonsense of the Year

This is a sample of the readings that I am forced to do nowadays.

Simply irritating!

I just want to be Happy

Some people can never be punctual.
“Punctuality” means to be ready on time. I hate having latecomers, untuned instruments, missing people who are filling their water bottles or still in the washroom...... Why I am facing these? Maybe, I am too kind.

Some people can never improve.
“Improve” means getting better. However, the playing is getting from bad to worst. I patiently explained, corrected the mistake/flaw. Eventually, nothing happened. Why? The only reason I could think of is “欠骂”.

Some people can never be too hardworking.
SYF is just close at hand, I simply cannot understand the needs of having a three-day camp to play, not the guzheng but games most of the time, to bond with each other. If you cannot play the instrument properly, not matter how bonded you are in relationship, it is going to be a disaster. Maybe, I should withdraw myself from this catastrophe.

If I foresee a failure, why should I waste my time and energy to continue? If I unleash myself, I should be able to smile.

给自己的一份礼物

孩子都是父母的掌上明珠。我也不例外。除了上小学时，母亲坚持要我们学习做家务，自己烫校服之外，我再也没用过熨斗。中学时代，有忙碌为借口。大学时代，虽然是留学在外，但是上帝特别眷顾我，每次拿起烫斗都会惹人怜，不是宿舍的服务员帮我烫，就是仪姐姐救我。这次，母亲受了重伤，我深知自己吃不了苦，一开始就嚷着要聘请全职女佣，但是被家人一致性否决了。我不死心，想要找兼职女佣帮忙。父亲虽然不同意，也还很乐意帮忙，就是我对他的技术没有信心，直觉告诉我：他不是烫不直，就是烫破。所以，迫不得已唯有自己烫。

但是，我真的很忙。这个年头，有谁会不忙。再加上我们家的熨斗不肯合作，没烫几下就漏水，衣服烫了大半天也不直。这种日子真的很凄惨。前天，我终于忍不住，卖了一个新的熨斗，是架子上最新的型号，当然也是最贵的。

新的熨斗当然好用多了。可是，我还是觉得自己很惨，用了很长的时间，烫很少件衣服，还不够直，就是少了一份满足/成就感。追根究底，我对烫衣服始终产生不了好感。

Fallen Princess

It has been two weeks since that terrible accident. My mother fell from her chair while cleaning the tiles in the kitchen. Unfortunately, nobody was home. Persuading her to go to a hospital was not easy. By the time, an ambulance came, it was 12 midnight. The diagnosis ended around 3.30 am. Finally, she was admitted to the ward at 4.30am, with a fractured bone in her spine and a remark “骨头贬掉” from the doctor. I never thought bone can “贬掉”, like the way bread “贬掉”. It took us quite sometime to figure that out, with the help of a nurse from China, “骨头贬掉” means the bone narrowed. Mother was discharged on the eve of Chinese New Year with a metal frame on her body, a walking frame, and lots of medications. As she could hardly walk, climbing a storey of stairs would be impossible, an ambulance was engaged.

Life is not easy. But, thank God, it is not as bad as I imagined. Although, there is lots of housework, my father and brother are very helpful; my mother's friend helps us go to the market whenever our refrigerator is empty; my ex-student offered to lend us a wheelchair; another friend offered to lend us her maid. Best of all, my mother has shown great improvement too. Even though the pain is still unbearable, she could walk slowly without the walking frame and climb half a storey of stairs. If my brother could move back, life would be perfect.

选择面对

印象中我从来就没有背对着车门，就算巴士/地铁再拥挤，我也一定会在那个狭隘的空间里转过身去面对车门。或许是被车外的风景所牵引；又或者是被车门两旁厚实的柱子所吸引、握起来不仅高度适度，还非常稳定，只恨自己不是树熊，不然就可将柱子环抱怀中；或许是一种与生俱来的本能。

昨夜，我和学生一起乘坐地铁，小朋友背对着车门，我忍不住唠叨起来。有一年的冬天，我在北京搭公车（大巴士）进城经过积水潭车站，只见旁边的一辆小巴停了下来，不知何故突然一位小姐背对着车门掉了下来，只见她坐起来，后脑勺满是鲜红的血珠，过不久就如瀑布似奔流出来。如果，她当时不是背对着车门而是面对着车门，从车门掉下来最多只是跌破鼻子，毁容应该也是免不了的。

小朋友问我那是哪一年的事。应该是在95年末96年初。时间过得真快，晃眼间十年已过，有些事还是忘不了。

无可推诿的责任

2002年上慕道班时印象与影响最深的是牧师的自由论：上帝有百分之百的主权；“人”有绝对的自由，只是“人”必须为自己的自由负百分之百的责任。有些事我可以不去做、有些困难我可以不面对，有些答案我也可以不知道。只是最后选择了“不可”，就必须承担后果。

其实，我可以减少工作量，但是我没有。不是为了金钱，而是为了不让更多的人/学生失望。

其实，我可以用现有的筝独奏曲作为群筝合奏的乐曲，但是我没有，为了实现心中的艺术理念。

其实，当我发现演奏者和乐曲无法融合时，我可以用不换乐曲，但是我没有。虽然我每写12小节的音乐就需要用三个小时，我还是坚持。

其实，面对突如其来的政策改变，而所造成的青年节比赛的参赛人数不足时，我完全可以漠视，但是我没有，还不停地鼓励学生，希望他们不要放弃理想。只要他们招募足够的人员，就算是白丁，我也会尽心尽力协助他们，给自己增加忙碌与烦恼。

其实，这一切的忙碌与烦恼都自找的。既然选择了，就必须承担。

I wish, I wish, I wish!

If I am superman, I could fly from one place to another.
If I am immortal, I could be sleepless.
If I am a scientist, I could then clone lots of me.

I will try, and try, and try......

It could be Better

I thought I entered the wrong washroom when I saw this in Funan Centre. I guessed it’s convenient for mums with little boys. But, something seems to be missing.

A cubicle to contain it, I think.

2007年最难过的昨日

（一）终于醒来
星期六晚在弟弟家过夜。可能是不熟悉、又或许是潮湿的环境所引发的鼻子敏感症状，再加上极热无比的沙发和猛烈的冷气，整夜翻来覆去。早晨起晚了，匆匆就出了门，才意识到路线换了、德士也少了。最后，只能乘地铁到熟悉的地方才改乘德士。结果，还是迟到。

（二）何苦继续
同事LH向我投诉学生LM的不是。LM去年还是我的学生，话太多、懒惰、不专心、不用心，在课堂上纠正了，自习时还是错误弹奏，进度几乎是零，不知道走什么狗屎运去年考五级还能得优良。家长要为孩子选择合适的好老师；好老师当然也有权力选择适合自己的学生。为了LM，去年吃完了的晚饭大多会吐出来。今年只好委屈LH了。

（三）渴望结束
从来没看过更糟的演出。上半场学生弹奏不佳、态度散漫、舞台工作零乱；下半场虽然由三位专家出场，兴致已衰。这种浪费生命的事，我不会再做。

（四）努力逃亡
我祷告上帝，寻求祂的旨意。似乎，结果如何都会欣然接受。其实不然，只是自己不愿意做决定。答案是有了，就是圣意难测，做决定还是自己。

（五）乐极生悲
回家时庆幸追到几乎跑到了巴士。由于是支线服务，错过了就得等很久。没想到，司机会思想开小差，竟然闯红灯转入另一条巷子。刹那间，整车的人都醒了，有的以为搭错车，有的赶紧按铃急于下车，连司机本人也吓坏了。接下来的乱乱开、几乎和对面的巴士亲嘴等，坐得我胆战心惊。有乘客道破，原来是司机的车牌号开了二奖。

挥别阴雨连绵的日子

今天难得放晴，最好是散步，尤其是在傍晚，落日与晚霞相随的时候，感觉清爽的微风擦肩而过的舒适、品茗黄兰的幽香、游走于明净的尘世间。入夜，耳边缠绕着蟋蟀共鸣的融洽，是最好的催眠剂。

艳阳下，最好什么都别作，看小朋友们奔跑、游戏。5分钟的休息时间就足够DL抓一只青蛙了。下课时，我在课室外的果园中看到DL装青蛙的塑胶袋子，就问DL为什么这么不负责任。DL答说，就因为负责任，所以才自己抓的要自己放。我：不是把它当宠物带回家饲养更为尽责吗？DL：“如果把它带回家，我会天天忙着抓很多蚂蚁的。”

下雨天别睡觉

睡了，就可惜了这滴答雨声、错过了朦胧的美景和舒适的凉风。如果，可以和亲友共聚一堂，围着暖和的火锅，还可以吃上一天，仿佛又回到了冬季……再不然，自己一人自闭在家，享受片刻的宁静也好。

切莫辜负了这绵绵的雨季。

钟爱之物 II

我在新加坡饲养的金鱼命都不长，一般上不出两个星期就必须举行葬礼。所以，每次手痒又要尝试饲养时，母亲都会阻止我。去年，拥有两百多条金鱼的余老师要送我几条，倒是自己提不起勇气，鱼儿至今还在余老师寄放它们的农场里。

其实，我在大学时期饲养的几条也还挺长寿的。最起码在我毕业时还健在，共四条，黑、红、白、橙色。有一回，黑色的那条生病，被我隔离喂食Panadol。痊愈后，竟然变身成了黄色的，连累其他的几条也要住在Panadol汤里去除黑斑。

是什么原因使我从1995年的冬天就开始饲养它们？肯定不是因为寂寞。因为当时的我已经忙得睡眠不足，连吃饭的时间也不够。更不是因为爱心泛滥。在冬天看过我给它们换水的人都不会反对。冬天理想的换水时间应该是中午。水要在前一天预备，最好让水晒上一个早上的太阳，吸收日光的精华。但是，实在是太忙了，每天都是半夜十二点才能给它们换上刚从水龙头取来的水。可能是安逸惯了，鱼缸不大，虽然没有装饰物，但无需觅食，所以任何时候，我的鱼儿都是懒洋洋的，也就只有在换水时刻才能实实在在地感觉到它们还活着。鱼儿只要碰到那冰冷的水，就会进入兴奋的状态，完全漠视了鱼缸的存在，只想冲出这寒冷的环境，飞快的来回奔驰，在无数撞击的剧烈运动以后，最终会气喘吁吁地如狗一般。

主人如我，它们也无可奈何。或许就因为有了这些锻炼，它们才能活得久一些。所以，苦难未尝不是一种磨练。日子再苦，也要过。

钟爱之物

据说，因着猪年的来临，体形永远“迷你”的宠物小香猪也成为了人们的时尚品。可惜，我一向对毛茸茸的动物有恐惧感，只能隔着笼子做远距离观赏。因此，要成为我的宠物还不是很容易。以前，我饲养过金鱼，现在的只有乌龟一只，是学生送的。就是，不知从什么时候开始，它似乎已经成为了母亲的宠物。

我家附近的一个咖啡店近日翻新。翻新后，整个环境变得明亮、干净、舒适多了。有些摊位的摊主也换了。其中，水果Rojak以前的老板又回来营业了。前几天晚饭后， 我和母亲外出归来时经过，我嘴馋，非得在那里吃上一口。但是，母亲不愿意在咖啡店里用餐，我只好心不甘情不愿地打包。

在等候的过程中，我发现了一个宠物不得进入的新告示。我打趣说，我们不留在店里吃，是因为我是母亲的宠物。母亲不认同。确实，如果她宠我，就会陪我在店里用食。突然间，我恍然大悟。原来，母亲才是宠物。